Welcome to Debbie Ballard's Transgender Information Site.
Deborah Ballard aka Debbie Lawrence is a transgender woman with nearly 40 years of IT experience, nearly 40 years of transformational programs including 12 step programs, leadership training programs, open source support groups, transgender support groups and websites. Debbie has written 6 books on transgender issues, so far.
How do Spouses React
- Written by Debbie Lawrence
- Category: Transgender Experience
- Hits: 4639
A question that comes out on many discussions and boards is "How will my Spouse React"? or in Spouse Support forums, "How do I react?". After reading and discussions with many of these people on line, I have notice a few patterns.
There are three different scenarios I've seen played out most of the time over the last 30 years.
1 - as a man, the transgender girl tried to act like an alpha male. Sexist, homophobic remarks, refused to do "women's work" such as cooking or cleaning. Then his wife finds the stash in the secret compartment and not only admits to being a crossdresser, but admits he's transgender and has always wanted to be a girl.
This rarely goes well. The wife may become abusive and blackmail him into a very generous settlement, so he can preserve his alpha male image.
2 - He's always been a bit feminine in behavior, even before they met. Friends may have assumed he was gay before the marriage. He enjoys extended foreplay and is in no rush to finish. He scratches her back around the bra strap area, he enjoys cooking and cleans up his dishes as he goes. He still looks like a man but acts like a girl in so many ways. When she jokes about him being a wonderful wife he smiles and sees it as an expression of love. When she finds his not so well hidden stash, she may be more accepting, but may want to keep it out of the bedroom.
3 - He is feminine in mannerisms and behaviors and this is what his wife finds attractive. She may have experimented with girls before the marriage and the feminine man gives her many of the perks of heterosexual marriage, and also gives her much of what she wanted from a woman. She also likes being the dominant partner. When they go out, she drives, she picks the restaurant, she might even tell him what he should or shouldn't eat. She manages the finances too.
When she finds that her panties have been stretched out, she might mention it ro her husband to see his reaction. The blushing gives him away. She then asks him to put them on. Feeling safe he tells her he's transgender or wishes he was a girl, or just that he's a crossdresser.
At this point, she's mad that he kept it a secret all this time, but when she calms down, she buys some clothes her husband's size and asks him to try it on, after removing all body hair. She might even take him to a salon to be waxed. She starts to enjoy feminizing him until she's ready to go public.
Her big concern at that point is what will others think. Usually the tension cracks when someone they both know say "It's about time!" Or "I knew it! You were always more like a sister to me. With that acceptance they can begin to create a wonderful lesbian marriage. Even transition at work goes more smoothly than expected.