Welcome to Debbie Ballard's Transgender Information Site.
Deborah Ballard aka Debbie Lawrence is a transgender woman with nearly 40 years of IT experience, nearly 40 years of transformational programs including 12 step programs, leadership training programs, open source support groups, transgender support groups and websites. Debbie has written 6 books on transgender issues, so far.
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Conversion: The Tragedy of Conversion Therapy
Marcia is found on her bed, dead. As police investigate the unusual death, they become suspicious of the crime scene, the body has been stripped, leaving a naked Mark on the bed. As they begin to investigate further, they discover the secret places where Marcia hid her clothes, then they discover a story of abuse and trauma, rather than help Mark become Marcia, his father has abused him, and he has been subjected to religious conversion therapy as well as (now antiquated) psychiatric conversion therapy.
This book is dedicated to the memory of two of my cousins, Mark Woodworth, and David Lundberg, both of whom ended their lives at age 14. I knew from personal experience with them that they were transgender and/or attracted to boys. However, this story is fictional, but well researched.
This book covers many forms of “conversion therapy”, some of which are still widely used today by religious organizations.
My own mother had many of the treatments described, and others I had learned about when I tried to discuss my own desire to be a girl at age 8 and 9. My father told me on his deathbed what would have happened if I had not kept silent about my own transsexual identity. This was also when he told me, “Be yourself, even if that means being Debbie!”
This is not a pretty story, not a happy love story, and I have done my best to limit sexual events necessary to the plot to brief references. In addition, many of the techniques described in the treatment are no longer used, they are considered unethical, but are used by some religious fanatics who engage in Conversion therapy.
Lois knocked on the door for several minutes but got no answer. Finally, she opened the door.
“Mark, dinner is ready, I’ve called you down several times, and knocked for several minutes, why didn’t you answer? Get up sleepy-head!”
Lois reached to Mark and tried to jostle him, but he wasn’t responding. She pulled on his shoulder. Still no response. Something was wrong.
“Mark, you need to get up now, you’ve been sleeping way too long. Time to get up.”
She pulled the covers off, shocked to see him wearing a blouse and a skirt. But worse, Mark wasn’t responding. Then she felt his head, it was warm. She reached to feel his neck, but she couldn’t find a pulse! Then she found it, his heart was barely beating.
“Lloyd! Something is wrong with Mark, call 911! We need an ambulance, NOW!”
Lloyd walked up the stairs, into the room, and saw the outfit. “I’ll call 911. Get him out of those ridiculous clothes!"
Lois stripped the body, leaving him naked, then slipped on a pair of jockey shorts. Then she felt his pulse again. She found nothing. She broke down completely, “Oh MY GOD NO! Lloyd, I think MARK is DEAD!!!”
Lori walked in to hold her mom. She noticed that the bottle of pills next to the bed was almost empty and saw the pint of brandy on the floor. “Mom, I think he killed himself! His pills are gone, and there was a half a bottle there last night. Look at the bottle on the floor. He’s not supposed to drink on his lithium and the sedatives, booze, and lithium are a deadly mix. We have to get out of this room NOW mom. The police will need to investigate. Whatever you do, don’t touch ANYTHING!”
Lois was in shock, “He was dressed as a girl again, so your dad made me strip him. I’ll just cover him up again.”
Lori shook her head, “No, Mom, you can’t touch ANYTHING! Even stripping him could make the police suspicious. Let the police handle it.”
Minutes later, the ambulance arrived. It was too late, Mark was gone. A few minutes later, the police arrived and sealed off the room. Two detectives arrived and started to look around.
Detective Lou Harris looked at the body and everything surrounding it. Immediately, things looked wrong. “John, how many 14-year-old boys fall asleep in a cold room with no blankets, pajamas, or clothes?”
Lou looked at the pills, “This prescription is only two weeks old, there should be at least 20 pills, but there are only 5. The brandy bottle is open, almost empty. Lithium in the prescription bottle, not getting high. It looks like this might be a suicide attempt.”
John nodded, “Yes, but we need to examine the scene. Look here, where the underwear is riding up. There is a crease, like he was wearing something tighter, and a bra line. The clothes were changed. The scene has been disturbed. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?”
They opened the drawers of the dresser. The bottom drawer front was nearly a foot deep, but John noticed that the bottom seemed to be only 6 inches. “Interesting, let’s see what you were hiding, some drugs maybe?”
John found a small hole just big enough for his little finger and pulled on the bottom. It came up. What he saw stunned him. “I think we need to investigate further, he may have been bullied.”
Stevie regaled Lloyd with tales of his victories in a neighborhood touch football game in the park. Then Stevie said, “Mark was such a baby, he got hurt and ran home.”
Lloyd stopped eating, “So, Mark, where did you run off to? Not that Lily girl’s place again!”
Mark looked down at his plate, finishing the last of his peas. He didn’t want to answer, so he pretended not to hear.
Stevie was gleeful, “I saw him coming out of her house when mom rang the bell. I guess he’d rather play with GIRLS than play with us guys. He’s such a sissy!”
Mark was mad now, “At least Lily doesn’t act mean to me and beat me up! They dog-piled me!” He started to cry.
Lloyd was angry, “Do I need to get the belt?”
Lois snapped, “He’s playing with a girl his own age, and he likes her. You don’t need the belt.”
Lori still hadn’t eaten her peas, she was just pushing them around the plate.
Lloyd huffed, “Lori, no desert unless you eat all your peas.”
Mark turned to Lori. “Lori, mix the peas with the mashed potatoes, it will taste good! Do you want me to help?” Lori nodded and smiled.
Mark got a spoon full of mashed potatoes, mixed them with the peas, and added a little butter. “Try it now Lori”
Lori took a bite and smiled. She finished the potatoes quickly. “Thanks Markie, you good cook, like Mommy”
Lois brought out ice-cream and pancake syrup. Everybody liked the easy desert and finished quickly.
Lloyd pushed away from the table, “Great dinner honey, I need to work it off, boys, let’s go play catch.”
Mark stopped short. “I’ll help mom with the dishes. She did all the cooking, I can help clean up.”
Lloyd growled, “That’s Women’s work. You’re not a girl, you’re not going to be a sissy, now get out there and play catch.”
Mark went out to the yard like he was walking to his execution. Lloyd passed the ball to Steve, a gentle loft. Steve fired a bullet pass at Mark’s head. The ball hit Mark’s glasses. Mark started to cry.
Lloyd was so annoyed, “Mark, you’re just a damn sissy. Go inside; Steve and I can play catch without you.”
Mark ran into the house while he had the chance. As soon as he got inside, he stopped crying, and went into the kitchen. “Dad said I could help you after all. He wants to play catch with Steve.”
On Saturday, Lloyd insisted that Mark go with him to watch Steve’s soccer match. He was hoping that Mark might get inspired by his brother, but all Mark could think of was how many times, “he” had been the ball.
The coach of the juniors’ league came over to Lloyd. “Hey Woody, how’s your boy doing? It’s been a few years since he played on my team. Is this his little brother?”
Mark tried to be polite. “Yes sir, Steven is my older brother.”
Lloyd smiled, “Hey Roy, could you give Mark a chance to try playing on your team? See how he does?”
Marks eyes went wide with terror. “That’s OK Dad, Soccer is Steve’s game.” Everything was Steve’s game.
Coach Roy wasn’t dissuaded. “Nonsense, after what Steve did, I would be a fool not to see what you can do. Come on over with me, show me what you got.
Lloyd stayed to watch Steve’s game. Steve kicked a goal, putting his team ahead.
Lloyd walked over to the Juniors field and the coach told Mark to take the field.
As Mark walked out to the field, his terror multiplied. Many of these boys were the same ones that bullied him in school. He so wanted to get out of this, to just run to the sidelines and go home.
Mark went to the team he had been assigned, and immediately the taunts came, from both teams.
“Marcia wants to play with the boys. This should be fun!”
The whistle blew and the play began. The new team hadn’t started learning zones yet, so very quickly there were a half-dozen boys around the ball. Then someone tripped Mark. Another boy kicked the ball into Mark’s face. Boys on both teams started Mark within seconds. He couldn’t curl up, but he covered his face with his hands. A kick to the gut curled him up. The boys continued to kick him for a few minutes.
The coach had been distracted talking to Lloyd then saw the cluster, “Yeah Woody, I’ll need to train them to play in their zones. Right now, everybody is just trying to be as close to the ball as possible. Once we see who has what strengths, we’ll teach them to play in zones, and rotate them through different zones.”
Just then, the ball popped loose, rolling away from the little cluster of boys, but none of the boys seemed to have noticed. Suddenly the coach was alarmed. “Something’s wrong!”
Coach Roy ran out on the field blowing his whistle. Lloyd followed. He looked for Mark in the cluster but didn’t see him. As the boys broke up in response to the whistle, Lloyd looked in horror to see his son curled up on the ground, hands still covering his face. His body was curled up, and he was crying. Lloyd picked up his son and carried him off the field.
Mark cried in his father’s arms. “I tried daddy, I really did, but then I fell, and they started kicking me and I couldn’t move and I’m so sorry. I really tried.” The crying became a wail.
When they got to the sidelines, Steve said, “I told you he was just a little sissy”.
“Shut up, Steve!” The glare in Lloyd’s eyes stop Steve’s laughter abruptly.
By the time they got Mark home, the bruises were already beginning to show. His belly, back, thighs, arms and calves were covered with contusions. They were even on his chest.
Lois washed him off, but Mark was sleepy and couldn’t stay awake. “Lloyd, you need to take him to the emergency room. Now.”
Lloyd carried Mark out to the station wagon and laid him in the back with a pillow.
At the hospital, the doctor did a preliminary examination. Then he ordered x-rays. Mark was awake. The doctor talked to Mark, “You must tell the truth, did you parents do this to you?”
Mark shook his head. “No, it was the boys on the soccer teams. Both teams started kicking me and I couldn’t get up.”
The doctor was doubtful. “Can you tell me the names of the boys who kicked you?”
“It’s like a horror movie in my head!” Mark rattled off the first and last names of over a dozen boys. He even remembered where a few of them had kicked him.
Finally, he came out to speak with Lloyd. “He’s had serious bruising to his abdomen, back, thighs, and most of his back. He may have a concussion, and he may have damage to the liver, spleen, and kidneys. Fortunately, there are no broken ribs, this time, but it appears that there was a break earlier that healed, but it did not heal well.”
An hour later, Mark was in the hospital room, sedated, on monitors, with a tube in his arm.
Meanwhile, Lois had been doing laundry, and was putting Mark’s clothes away. When she went to put away his underwear, she noticed something unusual in the back of the drawer. She pulled it out and realized it was a pair of girl’s panties. How did Mark get them? Did he steal them from a girl? Did he make her take them off and give them to him? Was he wearing them? For now, she needed to just leave them there and see what was going on when Mark came home.
That night, at the dinner table, Steve couldn’t wait to reveal his discovery. Mark had made a pot roast, potatoes, French cut green beans in tomato sauce, and some candied carrots. Even Linda and Lori ate their vegetables without hesitation.
Lloyd was delighted with the meal, “That was wonderful Mark. Those green beans are like your grandma makes.”
Mark smiled. “Yes, I remembered them from Thanksgiving last year. I didn’t have the recipe, but I guess this is a close approximation. Onions, bacon, green beans and tomato paste.
Steve gloated. “Oh yes, Mark is quite the Suzy homemaker. Isn’t she, MARCIA?”
Lois was stunned. “What do YOU know about Marcia?” She wished she hadn’t spoken.
Steve smiled big. “I know, I came home from practice all hot and sweaty. There was this really cute girl vacuuming the floor. She was cute, so I decided to check her out. But when she turned, I realized it was MARCIA! Oh dad, you should have seen it, she was so cute in her short little mini-dress, heels, and long flowing wig. I almost grabbed her ass, before I realized it was Mark! Or is that MARCIA?”
Mark couldn’t help himself, he smiled each time Steve called him Marcia. If Steve was going to blab, maybe it was better to have it out in the open!
Lloyd was stone-faced. “Mark, is this true? Were you dressed up as a girl?”
Suddenly Mark was terrified. “Yes sir.”
Lloyd grabbed Mark by the arm, “Upstairs, now. It’s time for a bible lesson.”
Mark began to sob. Everyone at the table knew that a “Bible Lesson” from Lloyd usually ended with the belt. Lloyd was a Christian Conservative and loved to use the Bible to explain the sin being committed, and the punishment being dished out. Many of these “sins” were verses taken out of context and were bad translations. Mark knew this but knew better than to argue with his father when he was getting a “Bible Lesson”.
Lloyd opened his King James Bible to Deuteronomy. “Read Chapter 22, verse 5 please.”
Mark read, terrified. “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord.”
Lloyd growled. “Do you know what an abomination is, Mark?”
Mark cowered. “No sir.”
Lloyd’s voice was calm, “An abomination is something so terrible, God hates it so much, that he will kill them for being an abomination. I love you Mark, and I don’t want you to be an abomination. I don’t want God to Destroy you. I have to make sure you never do it again.”
He pulled off his necktie and bound Mark’s hands then pushed him over the foot of the bed. The high wooden slat cut into his stomach. He pulled down Mark’s pants all the way to his ankles.
Lloyd unbuckled his belt. “I’m going to be merciful. I should give you thirty-nine lashes, like our Lord received. If you promise you’ll never do it again, I’ll only do 20, but you have to be still and take your punishment. Do you promise?”
Mark was terrified, so he nodded his head. He’d never had more than 5, and they were so painful he couldn’t sit for a week. 20 lashes were going to hurt that much worse.
Lloyd stood back, measuring the length of the lash, so it would just wrap around the area being hit. The belt was smooth, and the leather was firm, but there were no metal parts to cut or nick. “Son, this hurts me more than it hurts you, but it has to be done.”
The first lash whipped across the flesh of his butt. Mark screamed out in pain, crying, but he held his hands down, folded in front of him, praying aloud, “Lord forgive me, I am an evil sinner and I repent my sins”.
The second lash came down on his thighs, leaving a 1-inch wide red welt, but no bleeding.
Mark screamed again, “Lord forgive me, I am an evil sinner and I repent my sins.”
This was repeated for 5 more strokes, each more intense, over his back, buttocks, thighs and knees. Finally, Mark was just crying incoherently.
Lloyd shouted, “Enough! Be silent! I don’t want to listen to your whimpering prayers, say it silently to yourself instead.”
Lloyd swung again, Mark bit his lip so hard he was bleeding, but he said nothing. It hurt so bad.
Somewhere around the 8th or 9th stroke, something strange happened. It was as if Mark was no longer in his body. He stopped struggling, his muscles relaxed, and he didn’t even react as the belt came down, searing his flesh with what should have been incredible pain. Instead, there was a calm, a surrender. Mark gave himself up to the pain and stopped screaming. It was as if his mind had left his body, he was watching himself be whipped, he could see the welts, but he felt only a calm relaxed serenity.
Suddenly, it was over. Lloyd nodded. “I’m proud of you son, you took your punishment like a man. Now don’t ever let me catch you in a dress again, or I swear I’ll do the whole 39 lashes.” Lloyd stood up and walked out of the room, going down the stairs.
Mark straightened up, untied his hands with his teeth, and pulled his pants up. It hurt so bad. He just went into his room, took off his clothes, and laid on his stomach.
An hour later, his mother came up. She was horrified to see the bruises on his back, butt, and thighs. Mark just laid there, still. Lois started to put some soothing lotion on his welts.
Mark cried, “Daddy wants me to stop being Marcia. I can’t. I wish I was dead”.
Lois began to realize how real Marcia was for her son. Even with the threat of another beating, Mark still wanted to be Marcia.
The next day, Lois took Mark to church with her, while the rest of the family went with Lloyd. Lois wanted to see if the pastor could talk some sense into Mark. Even early in the morning, the hot July sun burned down on the car. Mark remembered his grandfather’s car. It had air conditioning. This car was just hot.
Lois went into Pastor Jim’s office with Mark. “Pastor Jim, Mark has been acting strangely and I think he might need some counseling. Could you talk to him, and maybe make a recommendation to me about what to do?”
Pastor Jim smiled. “Of course, what seems to be the problem?”
Lois was uncertain. Could she be making matters worse? “He’s been acting like a girl all summer, even dressing up in girls’ clothes.”
The pastor smiled. “Lois, could you give me a few minutes alone with him?”
Lois reluctantly left the room.
The second the door was shut; the Pastor Jim’s kind smile was gone. “Mark, do you really think you are a girl?”
Mark nodded. “I’m not at all good at being a boy, but I like playing with my friends, who are all girls, and I like doing housework, and I like being pretty.”
The pastor growled, “But you’re NOT a girl, are you? You have a penis. That makes you a boy.”
Mark nodded. “It’s not much of a penis, but I have one. The boys make fun of me because it’s so tiny. I’m much smaller than Steve, he’s about four times bigger.”
Pastor Jim sat at his desk. “Come here, Mark. You’re lying, show it to me,” he growled.
Mark just cowered.
Pastor Jim leered, breathing heavily as he pulled down Mark’s pants and underwear in one quick pull. He was shocked. There between his legs was the smallest penis he had ever seen. It was only a half-inch long. He grabbed the boy’s crotch. There were no testicles. He stroked the penis, and it grew to about an inch. The boy was terrified.
Pastor Jim sneered angrily. “Pull up your pants boy. What are you doing exposing yourself to other boys in the first place?”
Mark was about to cry. “When I go to the bathroom, I sit to pee. They’ve taken the doors off the boys’ stalls, and the boys pull me off the toilet to make fun of my tiny thingy. Then they show me what they have, bigger with a pouch underneath. I’m some sort of a freak.”
Pastor Jim almost felt sorry for the boy. Maybe he would be better off as a girl. Then he hardened. “Nonetheless, you have a penis, therefore you are a boy. Have you read Deuteronomy 22, verse 5?”
Mark’s eyes widened in terror “Yes, my father made me read it last night. He said I was an abomination, and he whipped me 20 times with his belt.”
“He did, did he? Let me see your back-side.” For the second time, Pastor Jim tugged down the pants. The welts and bruises were obvious. Clearly the boy had been whipped, hard and many times. He leered, admiring the welts. “Spare the rod, spoil the child, I say. Good for your father. You’re not going to wear dresses anymore are you? Pull your pants up boy, you look disgusting!”
Mark pulled up his pants a second time and tucked in his shirt. He shook his head, “But I can’t be a boy either!”
Pastor Jim was fed up. “You don’t want to go to HELL, do you? Do you know what hell is like?”
Marks eyes widened again “Yes, fire and brimstone, horrible smells, everybody burning and screaming for all of eternity.” Little did Mark know he was quoting Dante’s Inferno, not the Bible.
The pastor smiled. “You’ve listened well, there may be hope for you yet! Why don’t you go to Sunday School while I talk to your mother?”
Mark left the office and told Lois that the pastor wanted to talk to her alone. Lois entered the room and sat across from the pastor. “Pastor, as you can see, he’s very confused and troubled. I was wondering if you could recommend someone who could help him?”
Pastor Jim opened his desk drawer and pulled out a card. “This man has had some luck with faggots and sissies, but I’ll tell you now, it doesn’t look good. May I ask one question? Was there anything unusual about the pregnancies?”
Lois looked down, then looked the pastor in the eye. “Pastor, I’ve lost 3 babies who were still-born prematurely. My mother had lost 2, and Lloyd’s mother had lost two. When I was pregnant with Mark, the doctor recommended a medication to prevent me from losing the baby, it was called DES. It had a lot of estrogen in it. Do you think that’s why he’s so feminine?”
Pastor Jim was curious, but he had a sermon to preach and didn’t want to encourage Mark. “I’m sorry Mrs. Woodward, I need to prepare for the service now, if you will excuse me.”
Mark didn’t go to Sunday School, he went to his father’s car, and locked himself in. “If hell is terrible, then maybe this hot car will help me feel what it’s like and make me want to stop being a girl.”
Mark sat in the car, reading his bible. He read the whole book of Deuteronomy from his King James Bible. There were so many rules, so many laws, so many abominations, so many things that were unclean. How could anybody not end up in hell? Soon, the heat of the hot July sun beating down on the black car, with the black upholstery was too much. He took his jacket off and fell asleep.
Mark had been asleep in the car for almost forty minutes, when the security guard walking the parking lot and directing traffic spotted Mark’s white shirt in the back seat. The car was locked, and he couldn’t get it open. He called for the police on his radio. Within ten minutes, the police car pulled up next to the officer. The police officer used a thin strip of metal to open the car door. Mark was still alive, but he was not waking up.
The officer said, “I’ll take him to the hospital now, you tell his parents where he is.”
It took 10 minutes to get to the nearest hospital. The officer carried the unconscious boy into the emergency room. “We found him in a hot car, we got him out, but I don’t know how long he’s been there. He’s not waking up.”
The doctor started the examination immediately. “Pupils fixed and dilated, unresponsive, heart rate is 104, BP is 90/60. Appears to be heat stroke. We need to cool him off.”. The nurse took off the shirt and gasped. The bruises from the whipping were fully visible. She took off his pants and saw that the welts went from his neck to his calves.
The doctor hesitated. “We can’t deal with that now, we have to get his temperature down. His temperature is 106, if it goes up another degree, we’ll lose him. Get me some blankets, and a bowl of ice cubes in water. We have to get him cool as quickly as possible.”
Within 2 minutes, they had ice in a small bowl. They added water, and the doctor immersed the towel. “Let’s hope this doesn’t shock him too badly.”
The doctor then spread the cold blanket across Mark’s chest, and another across his legs. Then he slowly poured some additional icy water over the blankets. He watched for a reaction, but Mark wasn’t moving. The nurse said a silent prayer for God to help this little boy. She knew that he could either die or come back quite suddenly.
After 15 minutes, they put him on his stomach, covered his backside with the cold towels, and the nurse took his temperature rectally. Nobody wanted to risk that he would come to suddenly and bite into the thermometer. The mercury and glass were far too dangerous. His temperature was down to 102, his heart rate was up to 60, and his blood pressure was 110/60. Mark was coming back, but what was coming back? Would there be anything left of his brain after being so overheated for so long.
Suddenly, Mark’s arms started flailing, he pulled the icy blanket off himself. They rolled him back onto his back. His eyes were still closed, but he was fighting the blankets the doctor was trying to add. Suddenly Mark’s eyes popped open.
“I’m so cold, shivering!” He pushed the cold blankets off of himself.
Finally, the doctor put a dry blanket over Mark. “Looks like you’re back. We thought we’d lost you for a few minutes. I need to ask you a few questions.”
Mark smiled and nodded, “OK Doctor, I’ll answer as well as I can.”
The doctor asked, “What’s your name?”
Mark smiled, “Marcia … I mean Mark”. His eyes widened with fear. He had just told this stranger about Marcia.
The doctor was more interested in Mark’s cognitive functions. “Do you know what day it is?”
Mark smiled. “Sunday. Oh no, I need to get back to church, my mom will be worried!”
The doctor asked where he lived, and Mark gave his address, and named the town as Lincoln, Nebraska.
The doctor could now ask some other questions. “How did you get those bruises on your back?”
Mark was so ashamed. “My dad took a belt to me. He didn’t like that I looked like a girl.”
The doctor nodded, “Oh, that makes sense. But you’re not a girl, are you?”
Mark hesitated, refusing to answer.
The doctor looked him in the eye, he could see the fear. “You have a penis. It’s small, but it’s there. So, you’re a boy, right?”
Mark looked so sad. “I guess so. I’m really bad at being a boy.”
The doctor smiled “Some boys don’t get bigger until they are older. Then puberty comes and they get bigger, they get their testes, and they get their man voices. They get taller and stronger, like your father.”
Mark almost cried, “No!”
The doctor smiled. “Didn’t your father explain all this? How old are you?”
Mark looked so sad. “I’m 11, sir.”
The doctor sat across from Mark. “You’re at that age when you will soon be going through puberty. Your voice will get deeper, you’ll grow a beard and start shaving, you’ll grow hair on your arms and legs, and you’ll start to like girls.”
Mark giggled. “I already like girls! My best friends are Lily, Sarah, Helen, and Judy. We’re best buddies.”
The doctor was thoughtful. “Your friends will be changing too, they will be growing breasts, and curves, and you will want to kiss them.”
Mark looked worried “You mean like I want to kiss Davey Jones of the Monkees?”
The doctor stopped smiling. “Are you saying you’re attracted to boys?”
Mark nodded. “I don’t know why. The boys in my school are so mean to me, calling me sissy and fairy, but some of the boys are really cute. I just wish they weren’t so mean.”
“And your father whipped you with a belt for liking boys?”
Mark shook his head. “Oh no, sir! He whipped me because my brother caught me dressing like a girl.”
The doctor stopped short. “Do you want to be a girl?”
Mark smiled. “Yes, I want to be like my other friends, grow my hair long, wear pretty clothes, and not have to play sports with the boys. They always beat me up.”
The doctor looked at the file. “That’s right, you were in here before. The boys had kicked you on the soccer field?”
Mark nodded. “I had to stay in the hospital for three weeks and stay in bed for another week. It was a while ago.”
The doctor was concerned, but didn’t want to alarm the boy. “I can see why you don’t want to play with boys. Does your mother beat you?”
Mark shook his head. “No, she’s really nice. She knew about Marcia first, but she didn’t tell my daddy, because she knew he would be mad.”
The doctor was curious. “Marcia, you used that name when you first came to. That’s the name you use when you are pretending to be a girl?”
Mark giggled. “No, Mark is the name I use when I’m pretending to be a boy.”
The doctor, laughed for a second, marked on his chart. GID for “Gender Identity Disorder”. It was at the end of the last line. He didn’t know what to do about it, because telling the father could mean another beating.
The second week, on Tuesday, John and Ralph got all the boys, including Mark, into a huddle.
John led off. “OK boys, tonight we are going on a panty raid. We are going to run through the girl’s cabin and each of us has to bring back one pair of girl’s panties.”
Ralph followed. “Anyone who doesn’t bring a pair back will have to WEAR a pair of the panties.”
Mark didn’t want to go. These girls were his friends. He didn’t want to scare them or hurt them. He even thought he’d be willing to wear the panties, but he realized they would probably try to embarrass him even more than they did that night they attacked him.
Ralph led the charge, and John took up the rear. Mark and Jimmy were the last to enter and had to be pushed in by John. Mark tripped and John ran past him. Mark got up and tried to grab a pair of panties and head for the door, but he couldn’t get it open. The boys were holding the door shut. Mark started to run for the back door, but four girls blocked that exit.
The girls grabbed him and held him by his arms. He couldn’t move. He had been tricked and now he was trapped. He looked around the room. He knew most of the girls. They did crafts with him or sang with him. There were four girls who were playing softball and soccer with the boys. They scared him.
One of the bigger girls came forward “Since you wanted our panties so badly, you should WEAR them.”
Another of the big girls laughed “Why stop at panties, I think you should wear EVERYTHING!”
Mark suddenly stopped struggling. He was caught in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. He just froze. Suddenly, he just went calm.
One of the girls pulled out a pair of black satin panties. “Put these on Sissy boy!”
Mark pulled down his pants, and the girls pulled down his jockey shorts.
“Look at it, it’s so tiny”.
Mark quickly pulled up the panties, and in an instant, the little lump had disappeared completely. The girls were amazed that it appeared to be gone. He was as smooth as they were. Another girl pulled out a black satin bra and handed it to Mark. Mark hesitated, then took it, fastened it behind his back, and put his arms through the straps.
The girls cheered, impressed “Wow, I’ve had boys snap my bra and unhook it, but I’ve never seen a guy who could put one on so easily.” Another girl pulled out a dark blue summer dress.
Mark smiled. “I look better in Red, but I’ll try this one.” Suddenly the girls were all laughing. Mark smiled as he pulled on the dress and let it fall down, pulling it down to his waist, and letting the hem fall to just above his knees.
Suddenly, the girls stopped laughing. They were shocked to see a pretty girl with short hair. One of the tomboys opened a drawer and pulled out an Auburn wig. “My mom made me wear this when they brought me. I had cut off my own hair and it looked terrible, at least that’s what MOM said. I’d get a crew cut if I could.”
Mark took the wig, leaned forward, put it the right way, and set the clips, then he straightened up, flipping the hair up and over, to create the look of a nice full mane. One of the girls handed him a brush. He went to the mirror and brushed out his hair. In less than a minute, the soft gentle waves of the wig were tamed. He turned to face his would-be tormentors.
Almost in unison, the girls said “Wow, that’s amazing, he’s so pretty.” Nobody could believe it.
Another girl he didn’t know pulled out a pair of high strappy sandals. Mark slid them onto his feet, quite surprised that they not only fit, they were a size too large. He began to walk across the room, and then back.
The whole cabin of girls cheered, they were so excited. Mark was actually beautiful. Suddenly they were all hugging him and laughing with him, telling him how pretty he looked. One of the girls started putting on some make-up, and another plucked his eyebrows. Then they put on some mascara on, and some lipstick. Then a brush to add some blush. They all stepped back to see, and he walked down the hall and back. Everybody ooh’d and ah’d.
“She’s the prettiest girl in the cabin”
Suddenly the boys started knocking at the door, “Let us see the little fairy, send him out!”
One of the big girls opened the front door, and let the boys in. The boy’s filed in, expecting to see an ugly boy in a dress, looking ridiculous. Instead, they saw an amazingly beautiful young lady, better that the prettiest girls at their schools. The girls giggled as the boys stood there stunned.
“Who is SHE?”
“Wow, she’s a hottie!”
“She’s a babe!”
Mark smiled, waved and said, “Hi guys!”
Suddenly the boys realized who it was. “Mark, is that really you?”
Mark couldn’t resist the urge to flirt. “I’m Marcia, how are you tonight?”
Suddenly all of the boys were silent. All that teasing, yet all they could see was this beautiful girl who called herself Marcia.
Marcia walked up to John and waved a finger to one of the big tough tomboys. “John, I think I have the perfect girl for you, but I’m afraid she might beat the crap out of you.”
The girls started to giggle.
Marcia sidled up to Ralph and pressed herself against him. “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Feels more like a gherkin.”
The girls all giggled, Ralph tried to step out without completely tenting his shorts.
Pastor Tom marched Mark all the way back to his cabin. Mark tripped a few times in the heels, but Pastor Tom was more surprised at how well he walked in the ridiculous heels. Obviously, this wasn’t the first time.
Tom pushed Mark into his bedroom and bent him over the foot of the bed. “Don’t move Marcia!” He went to the side of his bed and pulled out a bamboo cane, about four feet long, half inch diameter, and swung it. It whistled as it slashed through the air.
Pastor Tom pulled up the dress and yanked down the panties. “I obviously can’t put you with the boys, because you are obviously not a boy, and I can’t put you with the girls because you are obviously not a girl. I’m going to give you a caning while I think about what to do with you.”
Mark laced his fingers together so he wouldn’t be tempted to reach back. He knew that would only make things worse. The first blow came down hard and fast across his buttocks. Mark wanted to scream, but he didn’t want to give this sadistic bastard the satisfaction of a scream on the first blow. The second blow came down hard and fast across the mid-thighs. Mark wanted to kick or convulse, but he held completely still. He was already starting to cry. The third blow came down across the small of his back. It was too much, and Mark let out a wail.
Pastor Tom gave a sadistic leer, he was enjoying this immensely. He had this vulnerable little sissy, and she was so delightfully submissive, but he didn’t want this thing to enjoy it. “That’s right! You sissy trollop, I’m going to whip you so hard you will scream for mercy. Let me hear you scream.” The next blow came exactly where the first had landed, and the skin began to bleed. Mark screamed a high-pitched wail.
Pastor Tom sneered and nodded. “That’s right boy-whore, SCREAM! I’m going to make you never want to be a girl! See how powerless you are, how vulnerable in this dress?” Suddenly there were four blows in rapid succession. Mark just wailed.
Mark whimpered, “Mercy.” It was almost a whisper.
Pastor Tom laughed wickedly. “You think I will give you mercy? You don’t deserve mercy!” The next blow came down, but there was no reaction. Mark had shifted, it’s like his mind was again out of his body.
Pastor Tom nodded. “Oh, you want to play that game do you. No, you don’t get to go away. I’ll bring you back”. Tom began to caress Mark’s ass and fondled his little stub. He was surprised that it never stiffened. Mark suddenly moaned with pleasure. “Oh good, you’re back.” He brought the cane down across both knees. This time, Mark’s knees bent.
“Marcia, you are far too pretty to be a boy. Maybe I should just go get my jack-knife and cut it off right now. Turn you into gelding, or a steer. You don’t even have nuts.”
Marcia began to calm, which was Pastor Tom’s queue to strike three more times. Mark was just sobbing uncontrollably by now. Every time he tried to go away, Pastor Tom would bring him back with a tug. How many more would there be? One, or a hundred?
Pastor Tom lifted Mark’s foot, slipping off the sandal. “Feet are so sensitive, it’s amazing how many nerves there are down there.” Suddenly he swung the cane into the sole of her foot.
Marcia couldn’t believe the intensity of the pain. She felt like she was about to pass out.
Pastor Tom pulled off the other sandal. “Best if we make them match”. He delivered two blows to the other foot as he held it still.
Mark couldn’t believe the pain. It was so intense. He suddenly threw up all over the bed, then he heaved some more.
Pastor Tom was furious. “Look at what you did to my bed. Just for that...”, he grabbed the other foot and gave her two more.
Mark heaved again, giving up whatever was left of breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Pastor Tom wanted to kill this creature. It was temptation and loathing incarnate in one body. “I obviously can’t put you with the boys, or the girls, and you just threw up all over my bed, so I guess I just have to put you with the animals.”
He threw the lump of whimpering flesh over his shoulder like a sack of flour. All the fight was gone. He took her out to a metal shed at the edge of a field. He pulled out the feed that had been stored in there, until there was nothing but bare floor. It was made of corrugated steel, only 3 feet high, 4 feet long, and 2 feet wide. Too short to stand up in, too short to lie down in, and barely room to sit up in.
“Maybe a few days in the box will make you see reason. It gets very cold at night and gets sweltering hot during the daytime. No windows and it’s far enough away, no one will hear your calls for help. You are going to be a boy, whether you like it or not. You’re an abomination, and you should be destroyed, but I’ll try to save your soul before you die.”
That night Mark shivered through the night, passing out from the cold. The next morning, he was dehydrated and had given up caring. By noon, he had passed out from the heat. The second night, he barely woke up at all. Dehydrated and malnourished, having puked up what little he had, he was slipping away. He had all but given up. The third day, he was delusional. He thought he was back in heaven again. He was ready to give up, but he was told to go back. The fourth day, he heard someone walking toward him. He heard the door being opened. Suddenly he felt an arm dragging him out of the box. It was Pastor Tom.
“Get this THING, this ABOMINATION, this DEMON FROM HELL, OUT OF MY CAMP before I kill her myself.”
After so many days of darkness, he couldn’t see. Then he heard his father’s voice. “Do I need to strap you again, Mark?”. Mark lifted his dress. He didn’t care who saw, the welts had broken open, and become infected.
Then he heard his mother’s voice. “Oh my GOD! What have you DONE! You sadistic BASTARD!” She pulled her son into her. “It’s OK honey, we’re going home”.
Pastor Tom took chances, he had to stay in control of this situation. “If you tell a soul, I’ll make sure you never see ANY of your children again. My congregation includes social workers, all I have to do is tell them how you indulged this little pervert, giving him to the devil. They will take care of the rest.
Mark didn’t even react, he could barely move. Lloyd had to throw him over his shoulder to carry him to the car. He put Mark in the back of the station wagon, because it was the only way Mark could avoid laying on the blisters that were festering.
Mark slept the whole way home. His parents didn’t realize that he was suffering from dehydration and malnutrition. He hadn’t had water in almost three days and hadn’t had food in four. In addition, the infected welts were causing a fever, and the cold and heat had pretty much driven him to the brink. By the time he got home, he had passed out and they couldn’t wake him up.
- Written by Debbie Lawrence
- Category: Transgender Information
- Hits: 1870
This is an excerpt from "Religious Liberty: On Trial"
The Jury was smiling and giggling. The guys were even looking a bit envious. The defense had lost the jury.
That night, conservative talk radio hosts were trying to paint Tina and Alice as a couple of lesbian perverts who were trying to dishonor an Air Force Cadet to discredit the military. It seemed that the Senator was calling in some favors.
The next morning, the defense was supposed to start. There were hundreds of protesters outside the courtroom. They carried signs like "Die Faggots!", "Kill the Sissy", "Abominations should be put to death", "Queers must Die", and a hanging effigy of a girl with a huge penis with "Tina" on the chest.
As Tom and Betsy walked in, they were greeted with cheers. The mob chanted "Christians live, Faggots die"
Other signs saying "Religious Freedom", "God Hates Fags", and "Christianity Rules."
Tina's parents had taken her to the court. As soon as she got out of the car, people started throwing rocks and fruit. Four police officers formed a human shield to protect her as she went in. One man tried to hit her with a baseball bat, he was arrested by one of the officers who was following behind.
As Tina went to the top of the court-house steps, reporters tried to get her to turn around and face the crowd so they could interview her. She turned and saw that the crowd had grown to about 3,000. She looked at the reporters, and smiled.
Grilled by the Press
A reporter from Fox stuck a microphone in her face "Is it true that you're a transsexual and baited Thomas into groping you?"
Tina smiled "I am transsexual, and Thomas didn't grope me. I told him I was transsexual and he got someone else to grope me. Just like he got someone else to beat me up."
Another reporter from the Christian Broadcasting Network asked "Isn't it true that you have been attacked like this before, and that many of your injuries are not new?"
Tina nodded "I've been attacked hundreds of times and have scars of many injuries from those attacks, which is why the doctor was able to identify the injuries caused by this attack!"
A reporter from ABC said "Is it true that you were pronounced dead at one point?"
Tina nodded "Yes, I was legally dead for about 2 minutes, after which I made a miraculous recovery. I'm very grateful to God for that little miracle."
The CBN reporter said "Are you a Christian?"
Tina nodded "Yes, I'm a Presbyterian, I am ordained as a deacon and an elder, and I sing in the choir."
"How can you consider yourself a Christian when you flagrantly violate God's laws?"
Tina smiled "Which laws do you think I'm violating?"
"A man should not wear a woman's clothing. A man should not lie with a man like a woman"
Tina smiled "I've read about 15 different translations of the Bible and found those verses to be concerning. To begin with, I'm not a man, I'm a Eunuch. The Bible has LOTS to say about Eunuchs, none of which is bad, other than we can't enter the Holy of Holies to offer sacrifices. A eunuch helped Esther win the heart of the king so she could save the Jews from genocide. A eunuch was the first gentile baptized as a Christian. Many wise ones were eunuchs, it's possible that some of the prophets, possibly Daniel, Shadrak, Mishak, and Abednego may have been eunuchs."
"But what about the laws against homosexuality?"
Tina raised a finger "Keep in mind that women were to be married within two years of their first period, so around 13 or 14 years old, and usually to an older man. The marriages were arranged through the families, and the girl had no choice in the matter."
"What does that have to do with the law against gays?"
Tina smiled "It's quite possible that the law was designed to prevent parents from selling their 10-12-year-old sons in arranged marriages. Leviticus is the directives to priests, and was based on actual disputes between the people. What was the dispute here? A man who had paid a bride price for his son to marry the first daughter of a fellow landowner? Did dad try to pass the son off as a girl? Did he offer his young son as a consignment to the other man, because he had no daughters and couldn't pay the man back?
The reporter countered "Paul condemns homosexuality in Romans."
Tina smiled, "yes there was a particular activity he found especially offensive. Tax collectors took the daughters of delinquent tax-payers and prostituted them to soldiers. The prostitutes were often forced to work in the temples of other gods. Was Paul offended by the Rapes? Was he offended by the idolatry? Was it some combination of the above?"
The reporter was frustrated "But it's a SIN, the Bible condemns it."
Tina smiled "How many verses in the Bible?"
The reporter admitted "I don't know"
Tina smiled "There are roughly 30,000 verses in the Bible. How many condemn homosexuality between men?"
The CBN guy was stuck "The bible has hundreds of references that condemn homosexuality."
Tina laughed "Actually, there only 8 verses, and most of those are in the same section that says we shouldn't eat pork, cheeseburgers, egg drop soup, and pie with whipped cream."
"But the Bible says that homosexuals are an abomination and should be put to death."
"Actually, it only mentions male-to-male sex, not female to female sex. How many verses condemn lesbian sex?"
The CBN reporter was getting upset. "I have no idea!"
Tina smiled "None that condemn." On the other hand, one possible translation of the role between Hagar and Sara was that Hagar was her lesbian lover. The King James Version translated it to "Handmaiden". You know what Jesus hated most don't you?"
CBN got smug "Sinners!"
Tina smiled "No, Jesus loved sinners, and even forgave tax collectors who continued to be tax collectors. No, Jesus had a special hatred for self-righteous religious fanatics who placed unrealistic expectations on people, to exploit their guilt. Matthew 23 and Matthew 25 are excellent examples."
The CBN reporter pulled back his microphone and tried to leave quietly. The reporter told the cameraman "Is there any way we can chop this up to get some damaging sound bites?"
The camera man shrugged, "I doubt it, not without it being obvious.
Meanwhile, the NBC affiliate reporter turned to her camera man "Did you get all of that?"
He nodded "Every single word!"
The Defense - Freedom of Religion
The defense started. First they tried to discredit the forensic evidence, but on cross-examination the witnesses admitted that since the car had been wiped clean before the rental, and the rental agency had held the car and not detailed it, any prints on the car would be the occupants during that rental. Since Tom's prints were the only ones on the steering wheel, he was obviously driving and therefore part of the conspiracy.
Defense turned to the Judge "We would like to change our defense to Gay Defense Panic. We will show that my clients were so upset by the deception and immorality of Theodore Clark, and they were acting based on their strongly held religious beliefs, and simply exercising their Religious Freedom!
Prosecution objected "Your Honor, this last-minute Hail Mary pass seems to be an attempt to put Miss TINA Clark, the VICTIM on trial, and evade legal responsibility for the crimes committed."
The Judge pounded her gavel "Chambers Now!"
Once in the Judge's chambers, the Judge was livid.
"What kind of circus are you running here, it looks like a KKK rally, and as a black woman, I can tell you now, I do not like to see this kind of hate speech directed at anyone!"
Defense countered "Your honor, we intend to prove that Theodore's behavior at the time was incendiary and offended the morality of the defendants to such a degree that they felt compelled to act out of their religious duty!"
The prosecutor leaned forward "Your honor, we have proven that the act was committed, that it was planned, that it was organized, and that it was done with criminal intent. Religious freedom can't be used as an argument to grant carte Blanche immunity for any religious fanatic who goes on a killing spree. We'd have members of the KKK blowing up black churches based on their religious freedom."
The Defense attorney stood up "We can prove that the reactions and the violent attacks were not only justified, but were reflected in the actions of others involved in the case. We have revised our witness list. Here are our additional defense witnesses."
The judge looked at the list, then handed it to the prosecution.
The prosecutor huffed "Pastor Grey of Calvary Baptist church, Pastor Blair of Calvary Temple, Jim Dobson of Focus on the Family, and Pat Robertson of CBN? The defendants attended ALL of these churches and were directly influenced by these ministers?"
The defense nodded "We can prove that the Senator not only attended events for these organizations, but that he knew them personally, and that he helped raise funds for these organizations as well. Furthermore, we will have these religious leaders describe some of the teachings which motivated Thomas and Elizabeth to defend their religious liberties and to save their immortal souls by not allowing an abomination like Theodore to corrupt good God-fearing Christians."
The prosecutor folded his arms "Your honor, I would first like to ask that the defense desist from using inflammatory language and use ONLY Miss Clark's current legal name. It's obvious that he intends to try and smear Miss Clark by painting her as a pervert and religious heretic merely based on her masculine status at birth and her gender identity disorder."
The Judge nodded "This is beginning to look more and more like a witch hunt, and more and more like an attempt to smear the victim. You are on very shaky ground here counselor."
Defense countered "If you refuse to allow us this defense, you know that I will appeal on the basis that my client's first amendment rights were violated."
The Judge nodded "No doubt you would try to push this case all the way to the Supreme Court, and get your clients off on appeal. So, I'm going to allow this little circus, but I have a few conditions."
She leaned forward in her chair "I will sequester the Jury; they are not to be exposed to these mob scenes and they are not to be allowed contact with anyone and no media contact. Any further demonstrations and I will hold you personally in contempt of court. Understood?"
She turned to the prosecutor "I realize that you will need additional time to prepare your case, interview witnesses, and that you must call additional rebuttal witnesses. You have one additional week to prepare."
She turned back to Defense "I see you plan to call Miss Clark to the stand as a defense witness. At no time are you to refer to her by any pronoun other than she or her, and at no time are you to even mention her previous name! Furthermore, she will NOT be treated as a hostile witness. She has been honest and respectful to both prosecution and defense, and deserves to be treated as the victim of a crime, not a defendant on trial for her life."
Defense nodded. "Yes your honor."
She raised her finger "One more thing. At no time are you to make any statements regarding interpretation of the law, and especially the First Amendment. I will be the ONLY one giving direction on how to interpret the constitution."
Defense started to object but the Judge gave him a stern look.
"Yes your honor, we understand."
The judge smiled at the prosecutor. Both realized that the Defense was hoping this motion and strategy would be rejected so they could win on appeal, but now, Defense was going to have to convince a sequestered Jury to acquit based on a religious liberty argument that was shaky at best. Furthermore, if he lost, there would be no basis for appeal."
The defense attorney went into a local payphone booth and closed the door. He dialed "Senator, we have a problem."
The prosecutor had his team interview all the witnesses, including the celebrity preachers. He also had to meet with Tina and Alice.
"Tina, I need tell you that the defense wants to try and claim that the defendants were exercising religious freedom. They are going to try to paint you as the devil incarnate, and an abomination, that had to be killed or at least punished."
Tina laughed aloud "OK, I'll give you the name of my minister, and the names of some adults who have known me for years. I'm surprised he's going that route. Did you know that I was ordained as a deacon, an elder, and taught adult Sunday School? I wonder if they knew that?"
The prosecutor started to laugh loudly and slapped his knee. "This is going to be fun. You see, they will be admitting that they attempted to kill you, based on THEIR Religious beliefs, but they don't realize that you have some strong religious beliefs that are consistent with their own."
Tina nodded "I suspect that they will try to focus on their own religious teaching. We might have a few surprises. Will I be treated as a hostile witness?"
The prosecutor shook her head "No, in fact the Judge forbid the defense from doing so. Of course, you must be respectful and polite, and answer truthfully and directly. He will try to get you to refuse to answer or lie. If you do, he will go after you like I would go after the defendant."
Tina nodded "I understand. I can also help you with some approaches to help during your cross. They are trying to base their justification on only a few verses of the Bible, but if you ask the right questions, you can show that their selective enforcement of these few verses has been distorted to incite violence. They can preach that their own members should not do something, but when they tell their members to violently attack or even kill people who are not members of their conversation, what does that amount to?"
"Inciting a riot, mob rule, like yelling fire in a crowded theater. They could even be charged as co-conspirators."
"See how many people who are members of their churches have been actively engaging in violence against Gays and Sissies. See if you can get them to admit that they were doing it based on their religious teachings. I have some history and experience; I can give you names of some of my bullies in elementary school and middle school."
"Oh, that's good. They plan to call the pastors of several churches."
Tina smiled "I hope one of them is Calvary Baptist and another is Calvary Temple. There were lots of members who liked to bully. Some of the attacks were pretty brutal."
The prosecutor almost burst!
"I'll give you the names of about 30 people who actively engaged in violence against me and others. They even used the Bible language. I used to attend their youth group functions."
The prosecutor spoke with glee "Oh my God, I think you might be able to completely blow up their case."
"I'll also give you the names of my pastor and members of the session as well as members of the congregation. I can also give you the names of youth groups of other churches that I attended as a visiting deacon, learning how improve our youth program."
The prosecutor smiled "The defense has no idea what kind of shit-storm they have just kicked up. They just kicked a hornet's nest and they have no idea what they just did."
Tina smiled "By the way, shortly before the attack, I started medications that chemically castrated me. So, I was a Eunuch. Many of the biblical passages they want to use, don't apply."
Tina smiled "I'll sign a release to have my medical records from Children's hospital released as well. You will find interesting things there too.'
The prosecutor nodded "Could you also sign a statement stating that those medical records contain evidence that can be used in this case?"
Tina smiled "Of course, do you have the forms?"
The prosecutor picked up the phone "Could you bring Tina's forms in please?" He turned to Tina "I was hoping you would sign the releases, but I didn't expect you to volunteer them."
Tina smiled "Don't forget to talk to my parents. They have a little surprise that could be a shocker."
The prosecutor nodded "You do realize that I have to give the defense all of the evidence, including witness lists, medical records, and the defense will be interviewing these witnesses as well?"
Tina smiled "Yes, but will he know which questions to ask?"
The prosecutor smiled "I don't know how to thank you."
Tina smiled "Use the testimony of these hate preachers to hold them accountable. Let's see if we can make sure this never happens to other people like me, or people who are gay."
The prosecutor smiled "I think that's going to happen anyway."
Tina nodded "Then all of this witch trial will be worth it."
The prosecutor smiled "It's going to get ugly and rough."
Tina nodded "I'm taking on some big religious leaders and exposing their criminal activities. I'll be lucky if I live through the trial, but maybe we can make sure that they don't preach hate and violence and murder to their congregations anymore."
- Written by Debbie Lawrence
- Category: Transgender Information
- Hits: 1723
Response to article posted in LGBTQ Nation
There has been more and more research that shows a similar trend. Transgender girls, even though ASSIGNED male at birth, have genetic and developmental characteristics of females. This includes such things as Index finger to ring finger length, size of hypothalamus, amount of white matter in the brain, even skeletal traits.
A common theory is that during the first two months of gestation, there isn't enough testosterone, there is too much estrogen, or there is androgen insensitivity that causes the fetus to masculinize. We all start out as female. During the first 8 to 12 weeks of gestation however, the male infant produces large amounts of testosterone which cause the formation of male traits. The hypothalamus gets larger, along with genitalia and even the skeletal structure. However, there are genetic traits that can cause the male to fail to produce enough testosterone, there are also genetic traits that disable the male body's ability to process the testosterone that is produced.
There are also things that can happen during this stage of pregnancy. The mother may have a history of miscarriage. From the 50s through the 80s, many women were given DES, which contains exceptionally high dosages of estrogen.
Transgender girls often have similar issues. Perhaps because of the nature of life on the frontier, homesteading, and need to be self-sufficient, many strong masculine women may have genetic markers that cause them to produce small amounts of testosterone which gives them a more masculine brain. There are also ways that the mother can end up with testosterone in their bloodstream, and there may be genetic traits that make transgender boys more sensitive to the small amount of testosterone they get.
The penis is the least reliable indicator because it takes the least amount of testosterone to produce soft tissue changes anytime during gestation. At one time, doctors would simply measure the penis and if it was too short, they would emasculate the baby (much like a cliterodectomy, and perform vaginoplasty. If there is too much clitorus, the vaginal canal would be routed into the bowel and the labia sewn shut. These surgeries, often performed at birth, under strict nondisclosure agreement, were followed by weekly injections of the appropriate hormones in hopes of making a "fixed" boy more masculine or a "fixed" girl more feminine, but this did not alter the nature of the brain.
Several studies have shown that transgender people of ALL ages tend to have brain characteristics that make them more like their gender identity than their anatomy between the legs. This is even more pronounced for children because they haven't yet produced the hormones associated with puberty.
This may also be part of evolution as a result of several factors. Urbanization and several wars fought with firearms would have caused more of the alpha males to be killed off during the wars, often before they had any children. In addition, urban culture made it easier for more feminine men to survive and thrive in professions such as accounting, investing, and crafts. Conversely, alpha males in an urban culture may have become too violent and aggressive to thrive in the tight social communities. The would end up in prisons or jails with criminal records.
Conversely, the death of so many men in these wars, meant that women had to support themselves through hard work and effort. Mothers who couldn't cut the hard physical labor and long hours would be unable to bear and raise children. This would have been especially true during the 19th century when women had to plow fields, chop wood, gather food, wrestle livestock, protect their farms from predators, and so on - all on their own.
In urban cultures, a feminine woman could survive for a while as a prostitute, but would quickly die of sexually transmitted diseases. In addition, common viruses would have killed more frail women, leaving the more tough and resiliant women to survive.
- Written by Debbie Lawrence
- Category: Transgender Information
- Hits: 1250
From the article:
A Republican candidate has filmed herself confronting and lashing out at a transgender woman using the woman’s toilet at a restaurant in Los Angeles.
Jazmina Saavedra, who is currently running for Congress in California, misgendered the trans woman and branded her a “stupid guy” in the Denny’s diner.
Ms Saavedra, who is campaigning for a seat in California’s 44th district, documented the incident in a Facebook Live on Tuesday.
“I’m trying to use the ladies’ room and there is a man here claiming that he is a lady,” Ms Saavedra said as she entered the bathroom.
I was forced to use the men's room by a manager at Denny's when I was transitioning in 1991. I was blending in with the other women, nobody knew that I was anything other than a woman, except the women I was dining with. When I went to the bathroom, three boys followed me in, and confirmed the high heels while I was seated in the stall. I waited for them to leave, they waited outside the bathroom to see what I looked like and where I was sitting and what else I was wearing.
When we were finished eating, I walked out with the women, and got into my car. By the time I got it started, there were a dozen guys. several were pounding on the car windows, demanding that I open the door, and others were sitting on the hood and trunk, meanwhile, there were two other guys coming toward my car with tire irons to smash the windows.
I drove out of the parking lot with 8 of them on my car, and lost the four on my trunk with the first turn. I finally slammed on the brakes to get rid of the four on the hood, and revved my engine get them to move out of my way and drove off.
Two weeks later, another transgender woman was murdered a block away from the same Denny's.
Transgender women want to live as women 24/7 for the rest of their lives. The hormones they take make it impossible for them to have erections and give them real breasts that would have to be removed surgically to revert back.
Before transitioning, most transgender women were brutalized in bathrooms, locker rooms, and playgrounds by boys who beat them up for being too feminine, calling them "sissies", "queers", "fairies", or worse. Often these assaults include aggravated assault so severe they have to be hospitalized, sexual assaults ranging from being groped in the shower to being gang-raped. All of this BEFORE they are 18 years old.
Puberty causes severe damage that takes more to correct the longer it persists. Many transgender women get rid of facial hair using laser, electrolysis, and waxing. They have to take hormones that block their ability to get erections and give them breasts, and their voices drop requiring vocal training or surgical correction, all of which must be done at personal expense BEFORE becoming eligible for Gender Correction Surgery.
MOST of those who unable to afford what is necessary to transition to that stage - commit suicide. The suicide rate for those forced to accept their birth ASSIGNED gender is 80%, at one time, the suicide rate for those who were given "conversion therapy" was 95%. Most of those treated had to be lobotomized to keep them from killing themselves.
I have two cousins who killed themselves. Both before they were 15.
Please repost this ANYWHERE you see this harassment video or references to it.
- Written by Super User
- Category: Transgender Information
- Hits: 1742
Keep in mind that most transgender people know they are transgender at a very young age that they are transgender, that their REAL selves are not the gender they were ASSIGNED at birth.
Unfortunately, most of us had to keep the real person hidden. Transgender girls often experience a great deal of harassment and ridicule from parents, from adults, and from kids their own age.
By the time they are in first grade, forced segregation of boys and girls begins, and transgender kids hate being put in the wrong group. The tomboy wants to roughhouse and tumble and mix it up with the boys, and the sissy lives in fear of being severely physically assaulted, sometimes so badly they end up in the hospital. These are a DAILY experience, with the most dangerous places being bathrooms, playgrounds, and outside school.
By the time they reach high school, most transgender kids who haven’t come out are terrified to do so. They are acutely and painfully aware of the “girl inside” or the “boy inside”, but often they are terrified to let anyone know. They begin to develop the mask that lets them pass as the gender they were assigned at birth, but it’s very unnatural for them.
Puberty has done a lot of damage, and they often struggle to SURVIVE those changes, hoping somehow that they will be able to find some way to live with those changes caused by puberty. Puberty through early twenties is often a time where they are at VERY high risk of suicide or self destruction.
Drugs, alcoholism, and suicide attempts are common. Transgender men often get into fights, street racing, and other ways to prove their man-hood by doing dangerous things. Transgender women often struggle to find themselves, trying to date women or men and having difficulty with both as the mask. Love is very elusive because their partners are aware that something is being hidden. Many end up being loners romantically, finding ways to fit in socially, within a niche crowd, but few real friends.
Coming out is incredibly difficult for both Transgender women and transgender men.
For transgender men, the most difficult is going from “toe in the water”, wearing men’s clothes and hair style, but still being perceived as a woman, learning that they have to conform to the same strict norms that men aren’t even aware of, or settle for a more gender fluid identity with confusion of others.
For Transgender women, the biggest challenge is overcoming their own fear. The fear is based on some intense reality, lots of PTSD, living with nightmares fueled by real memories of real violence, verbal abuse, bullying, and ridicule. They have grown up knowing that their parents would reject them, throwing them out on the street if they were to come out, they have been unable to communicate with doctors or therapists who refuse to accept that they are transgender, and coaches and church leaders act like a boy who is a girl is the lowest form of life on earth, an abomination.
For the transgender woman, there is often a point where they try to “settle” for being a cross-dresser, dressing up in private, often keeping their secret from friends, family, even spouses and children for years or decades. The cross-dressing gives them minimal relief, enough so they don’t just give up on life entirely.
At some point, many transgender women finally get the courage to get fully dressed, learn to put together a good presentation that will allow them to go “public”, often dressing up to go to gay bars or other “safe” places, usually on Friday or Saturday night, but only 1 or 2 nights a week, sometimes on the road. If they haven’t done so earlier, this is when they give “the girl inside” a name. This is necessary for social reasons, but also so that they can talk about their true selves with people who have met the girl, without drawing attention to themselves.
Initially, during the early public cross-dressing stage, there is often the perception that this new person, with the new name, is the costume, the mask, the identity. Often this is because during this early “transgender puberty”, they tend to dress very sexy for clubs, with little or no wardrobe for normal activities like shopping on the week-end or going to the grocery store. In this “Cinderella” stage, they even enjoy being the center of attention, being admired by others, and a personality that had been so hidden and repressed for so long comes bursting out.
Soon, especially if they start seeing a therapist who knows ANYTHING about treating transgender people, the transgender person begins to realize that this other person they thought was an act, a mask, is who they REALLY ARE! They start to realize that the person they were assigned at birth is actually the mask. The boy is a mask they have learned to wear, no matter how painful or uncomfortable, because they have to wear the mask to survive.
This is when the therapist follows WPATH standards of care and recommends that they start spending more time as their true selves. The lucky ones have wives who love them enough to want their happiness, and will support them. Too many find that they have to confront the fact that their spouse fell in love with the mask, and will leave them rather than get to know the real person underneath. Others find that their wife becomes a friend, but the intimacy and romance they once shared has been gone for a long time, and won’t be coming back.
The “Real Life Experience” phase is probably the hardest part of the entire transition. They have to learn how to BLEND in with other women, dressing appropriate to age, size, and situation. The club wear was great for the clubs, but now they have to learn to dress less sexy, more like most of the other women in the rooms they are in. Jeans or leggings instead of dresses or short skirts, a C-cup bra instead of a Double-D breast form, and bare legs with shorts or skirts rather than sheer energy panty hose. Fortunately this is a relatively short period, a few weeks to a couple months.
Then comes the transition process in earnest. Having a 5 o’clock shadow removed with laser or electrolysis, having arms, legs, and other body hair waxed off, having eyebrows shaped, and growing out hair. Many therapists want to see these processes started before recommending hormone therapy.
Hormone Therapy (HRT) is often a three phase process. First, the doctor needs to get natural blood levels of testosterone and estrogen before starting anything. Many transgender women already have low testosterone levels, either part of the same biology that made their brains feminine, or attempts at self-castration during early puberty.
Then the doctor will start the “Blockers”, these are medications like Spirinolactone or Finistride, also used as diuretics and for prostate reduction. These blocker lower the amount of testosterone in the system. Doctors use blockers on younger trans-girls if they are near age of puberty, but often wait until 14 or 15 to start the estrogen.
One of the important things about blockers is that they also function as chemical castration. In fact, these same medications are given to sex offenders to prevent them from being able to be sexually active.
For adults, the doctor will start the estrogen within a month or two, as soon as he can determine how much the estrogen levels increase. Estrogen levels have to be very carefully monitored. Too much can cause blood clots, heart attacks, and strokes. Too little can result in stunted feminization. In most cases, the doctor will try to monitor testosterone, estrogen, and prolactin to make sure that they are the same levels as a muenstrating woman, often a girl going through puberty.
By this point, the trans-girl is living at least half-time as a woman, pretty much only living as a man during work hours. She has already planned her transition at work, often making sure she understands the companies diversity policy, especially their policies toward LGBT issues. Often, they have already contacted the LGBT community contact, as well as LGBT centers in their area.
Female coworkers are often the first to notice the subtle changes. The thinning eye-brows, improving complexion, and the budding breasts. This is a period when trying to continue as a man gets awkward, wearing compression shirts or binders to protect the breasts and keep them from showing at work.
Often, the transition at work and the name change process are closely coordinated. It’s best to tell your employer LGBT contact that you are planning to transition so they can plan the transition with you. The legal name change requires that you publish your name change in the local paper, but it has to be a major paper. Many of us by this time have already established e-mail accounts and other accounts in our planned name, and when the name change is approved by a judge, we begin the process of getting our name and gender legally changed on all our documentation, including driver’s license, passport, credit cards, bank accounts, and credit agencies.
The day we transition to full-time, is often a very happy day for us. We finally get to live authentically. We can finally stop pretending to be something we never wanted to be, and start being who we really are. We may have to learn new rules and codes of conduct, for example, when to start speaking in business meetings, how to guide a man to the right decision or action without direct confrontation, and so on. Ironically, for many of us, it actually comes quite naturally. In fact, it was a struggle to do it the “man’s way” and we only did it because we would be perceived as “wimps” if we did it as men.
The final stage, which is often optional, is getting the Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS). Keep in mind that GCS very expensive, as much as $30,000 including everything, and often it’s a challenge to get it covered by insurance. Many insurance companies only cover half because it’s “out of network”.
GCS is not “chopping it off”, it’s actually turning the tip into a clitoris and turning the shaft inside out. Bringing up a second problem. Many transgender girls are not well endowed to begin with, so the simple surgery may involve grafts of skin, colon, or paratineal tissue that is used to provide functional depth. After the surgery, it is necessary to dilate regularly, at least once a day for the rest of our lives.
Other trans-girls opt for an orchiectomy. This is necessary because at some point, the blockers become less effective, and there is the risk of going through male puberty again. This is a MUCH less expensive procedure, costing about 10% of the cost of GCS. The orchiectomy essentially makes us eunuchs. The chemical castration has eliminated the ability to have erections or ejaculations, but not orgasms, in fact, the orgasms are more like female orgasms and possible in a number of different ways. The orchiectomy just makes this permanent.
Some transgender girls, a small minority, like to become she-males. They often get breast enlargement surgically and discontinue or reduce blockers and maintain lower doses of estrogen. They are often gay and enjoy being “tops”. Even so, these women are very careful not to put their junk on display for anyone other than their lover. As a transgender woman, she wants to be accepted as a woman in her regular life.
This was probably more than you ever wanted to know, and it’s long. I have written several books on the topic and my web site debbieballard.org has a bibliography of transgender fiction and non-fiction to give you a sense of what is involved and the thinking and feelings we experience as we are going through the various stages. I strongly suggest you look at a few of them.
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